1. Everyone Experiences Grief in Their Own Way

There is no wrong way to work through the grieving process and there is no time limit. 

We often worry about whether or not someone is coping well, wondering why they are not crying…or crying too much. There may also be concern that the grief is lasting too long or the bereaved want to be alone a lot.

However, everyone grieves differently and these are all expected ways to grieve depending on their personality and relationship to the loved one who died. Also, your grief will often be different with each loss you experience. 

With grief you do not “move on” or “get over” the loss with time. Grief does not “get better with time” and life will not be “normal.” However, through reaching out to our grief counseling services, you can learn to move through grief’s ups and downs while maintaining a connection to your loved one.

2. Acknowledge and Support Their Feelings

Grief can bring up many feelings and also trigger previous losses when working through the grieving process. Many people experience multiple emotions that fluctuate from day to day or moment to moment. Grief is often described as feeling like you are on a roller coaster with “good and bad” days. Many people who have had a loss, express that even on a good day they are still grieving inside. 

Words of support can be provided through statements such as, “This is so hard for you,” “You must be missing your (loved one) a lot right now.” 

Simply asking if they would like to talk about their loved one gives them the opportunity to share or let you know if they are not up to talking today. If they want to share, you could ask exploring questions like, “What is your favorite memory of them?” or, “What do you miss the most right now?” Even if they do not want to talk, just your presence is often the most comforting, and sitting with them in silence helps more than you know.

3. Avoid Giving Advice, Religious Meaning, or Judgments

Supporting and validating their experiences of grief is the best approach after a death. It is important to remind yourself that even if you have experienced a similar loss, this journey through grief is theirs as they work through the grieving process

Remember to avoid giving advice. Avoid giving advice such as “you should” statements and instead, if you want to shared what has worked for you after a personal loss it is better to use “I” statements like “I had to learn to ask for help” or “I was not able to go back to church for a long time after my loss.” 

Lastly, avoid religious statements (ie. “They are in heaven now”, “They are no longer suffering”, or “God does not give you more than you can handle.”) Instead, only use religious things you hear them say or that you know have meaning for them. Unintended hurt can occur when judgmental statements such as, “you need to move on,” or “you should be over it by now.” 

4. Provide Compassionate Listening and Presence

The most important support you can offer is being present and providing compassionate listening. Having someone sit with them or call and offer a listening ear, and send them letters on significant days or anniversaries is the most requested type of support. 

5. Offer Practical Support

In grief, it is common to feel lost and overwhelmed and that can make it more difficult to ask for help. Grief also can make us more easily tired, making even the smallest tasks feel difficult. 

Offering concrete support, like picking up groceries, offering to clean their house, walk the dog, babysit their children, or drive them to an appointment is often very appreciated after a loss.  Be specific about when and how often you will be able to provide the support. Forgetfulness is common in grief so you may want to give them reminders and have them write it down or put it on their calendar.

Let Our Caring Team at Tillery Compassionate Care Help You Work Through the Grieving Process

We often do not know what to say after a loss but wish to offer our support and it is normal to feel uncomfortable around death and grief. When you feel this discomfort, remind yourself that the most important thing you can offer is the gift of your presence.  

If you, or someone you know, needs support after a loss, please reach out to our bereavement counselor.

Janna Spurr, Bereavement Coordinator, MSW, LCSW

704-983-4216 ext. 133

====

Sources:

Cleveland Clinic, “Stages of Grief,” https://health.clevelandclinic.org/5-stages-of-grief